Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
