This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
