96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
