Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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