Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Boobs are out for the taking
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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