My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
