you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
