I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
