She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
