I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
