The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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