i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
