When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
