If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
