You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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