woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
