I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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