I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
