Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
