Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
