I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
