my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
