well I can't set my house on fire every night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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