i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
