just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
