I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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