we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
