So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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