Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
