I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
