the condom got lost in my hair
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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