Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
