we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
