Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
