It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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