The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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