Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
