Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
