i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
