Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
