i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
