gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
