so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
