I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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