I just threw up on my dentist
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
