when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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