The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
