If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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