There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
someone threw a dead crab at me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
