Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
