If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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